In the interest of keeping things interesting and fresh, we deliberately keep our scope of coverage broad and our topics eclectic. In our indefatigable quest to cover all things Lovecraftian, a most peculiar slice of history has been plopped onto our plate that we cannot resist presenting here. Considering the nature of our studies, it is not often that we are taken aback or experience shock while gleefully covering the often unspeakable actions of cosmic horrors and the cults who worship them. Today is an exception.

The following story is not new, but it was new to us, and we present it now for your viewing pleasure. In all honesty, we were not quite prepared for just how unexpectedly Lovecraftian this story is, and thus we present it to you as an intellectual exercise and cautionary tale of just how strange our world is.

Not your typical scout camp bonfire

Allow me to cautiously introduce Mr. Alex Jones. Don't get too close--he bites.

First off, let me be explicitly clear: The LNN is quite progressive in its views, and we openly denounce Alex Jones as a crackpot. And he's not the funny kind of crackpot either, he is, as the Dickipedia would say, "a full-fledged nutjob. The type of person that makes you turn to your friend the moment he gets up to use the bathroom and mouth 'He's craaaaaaazy,' complete with hand motions and bug-eyes." Naturally, this makes him the perfect character to write about for the Lovecraft News Network.

When he is not juxtaposing non sequiturs of deranged political diatribes on his maniacal radio show, Mr. Jones enjoys sneaking into secret meetings of the world's elite.

Mr. Jones claims to have filmed a real life cult of, dare we say, Cthulhic proportions. Though we question both the veracity of Jones' footage and his sanity, his video seems straight out of the pages of Weird Tales. Thus we present to you the following outrageous conspiracy theory and invite you to decide for yourself.

In 2000, Jones snuck into a secret meeting at the Bohemian Grove in California and taped what he claims is proof of an "ancient Canaanite, Luciferian, Babylon mystery religion ceremony." What gets better is who was on the guest list. . . the President of the United States.

According to, the "Bohemian Grove is 'the greatest men's party on Earth,' according to once-regular attendee Herbert Hoover. A secret little getaway for America's male upper crust, the 2-week long annual retreat in Monte Rio, California, has all the luxuries you'd expect of an elitist clique: outdoor plays, an orchestra, delicious food and beverages, public urination, streaking, and human sacrifices, to name a few. Nestled in beautiful redwood forests, every Republican president since Coolidge has partaken in the gala, as well as a host of other huge names in business and politics."

"The gathering includes semi-Masonic themes that center around a 40-foot tall stone owl, whose voice is provided by regular attendee Walter Cronkite ("And that's the way it is, hoot hoot."). Mock-Druidic rituals are performed, and the attendees (referred to as "Bohos" or "Grovers") wear Ku Klux Klan-style garb. Public policy speeches are given, conveniently away from the public that will eventually have to suffer under these policies. Called "Lakeside Talks", the topics of discussion range from "Communists, Democracy and Golf"; "America's Health Revolution: Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Pays"; "America's Promise: Leading Armies and Leading Kids"; "Defining the New World Order"; and other such jolly cocktail chatter. It is boasted that the Manhattan Project first took shape at a Grove meeting."

Now if your right-wing conspiracy BS-'o-meter is going off, you are not alone. But the existence of the Grove and it's weird dealings has been surprising well documented, which makes Jones' video all the more intriguing. Go ahead, look it up and check for yourself.

Here are a few things that seem to be indisputable facts:

-Alex Jones is a crazed conspiracy theorist

-However, the Bohemian Grove festival is very real, very weird, and it really has drawn the most powerful men in the world for over a century, including every Republican president.

-Though there is no solid evidence to explain its specific purpose, attendees really do engage in some kind of mock human sacrifice to a giant owl statue for some inscrutable reason.

-President Nixon really did utter the following baffling statement, "The Bohemian Grove, that I attend from time to time—the Easterners and the others come there—but it is the most faggy, goddamn thing you could ever imagine, that San Francisco crowd that goes in there; it's just terrible! I mean I won't shake hands with anybody from San Francisco."

Several questions spring to mind:

1. Why have we not heard about this before, and, Luciferian or not, why does this not interest more people?
2. Is this just a strange, yet harmless game for the wealthy and powerful?
2. What do one do with this information if Jones is correct?
3. How do I get an invitation?
4. Is there a gift shop, and can you get a Moloch key chain for the kids?
5. What does Cthulhu think of this blasphemous, Babylonian impostor?

We'll let you decide.

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